My Anxiety Secret

Secret Garden

Image by Jenny Downing, copyright protected.

After many years, Shelly finally talks about what it is like to have anxiety... how she didn't know what it was, or how to deal with it, and how she kept it a secret until now. 

For the last 14 years of my life I feel like I have been hiding a secret not only from myself but from everyone around me. I suppose really it's more of denial on my behalf, but call it what you will. I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I never really knew what it was because I felt like no one else had the same feelings as me and I was completely alone. 

My anxiety is in connection with darkness and the fear of death; not so much how I will die or anything like that but just dying in general... the concept of it and what will happen to me after I have passed. The reason I am able to talk about this is because it is 12.16 pm and for some unknown reason I do not have fear, anxiety or panic attacks about it during the day.

My boyfriend, as much as he tries to help, doesn't really understand why I do it and also doesn't understand how panicky it makes me... so it's hard to openly talk about it to him. Especially as I think that he is going to get annoyed one day so I don't want to bore him with it. 

I haven't been for any form of help as I have only just learned that you can go to the doctors' and talk about it. 

I just feel that as I'm getting older, the anxiety is growing with me. I go through spells of some months when I won't think of it at all and be absolutely fine. Other months something will just enter my thoughts and I will be up worrying for hours not knowing how to make the feeling go away.

I Just wanted to tell a little bit of my story so far in case there is anyone out there who may feel the same or feels like nobody will understand what they are going through.

I PROMISE you that there is more people than you think suffering with different forms of anxiety and often a lot of cases are similar. There will always be someone to talk to, it's just finding the right places and people who can help you.

I found Anxiety UK last night and talked to them on Twitter to finally open up to everyone and myself about what's going on. I had so many emails from people asking for help. If anyone wants a chat to me please just email me as I will always be here to help. 

Hope this has helped at least one person.

This blog is a shortened version of a post that originally appeared on Shelly's own blog.

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